Kowakunai
by Jennifer Wand
Summary: A rare bird: a Lina/Gourry fic! Just a moment in time, not too deep.


Kizutsuku koto wa kowakunai  
Dakedo kesshite tsuyokunai...  
  
[I'm not afraid of being hurt  
But I'm not strong at all...]  
  
(Give a Reason, the Slayers Next OP)  
  
---@--@--@--@--@ @--@--@--@--@--@---  
  
This is my first Slayers fic, so please be gentle.  
^_^;  
  
Major spoilers for the final episode of Slayers Next   
ahoy. Although this fic is modest, it does deal with   
the aftermath of that final episode. DON'T read if   
you don't want to get spoiled.  
  
And Xellos is God.  
  
So there. :)  
  
---  
  
KOWAKUNAI  
(I'm Not Afraid)  
  
a Slayers Next fan-fiction by Jennifer A. Wand  
  
---  
  
It's a mild night, the kind that's suited for   
a quiet lake and a gentle campfire. I feel the   
flickers of the flames behind me, warming my back,   
and the edges of my cloak fly off to the side as the   
wind gusts by. From this grassy ledge the lake lies   
lazily all the way to the horizon. Like a great open   
eye, gazing into and reflecting the stars of the   
night.  
I draw my knees to my chest and stare out at   
it. Nights like this I never feel quite like myself.  
Either that, or I feel more myself than I usually do.  
Wind and water strip me of my masks, of my armor,   
and leave me no more than a vulnerable girl, just   
like any other girl, alone in the night.  
Dimly I hear murmurs from within the tent.   
Amelia's talking in her sleep. Speaking of little   
girls... She's going to drive me to murder one of   
these days, I just know it. I wonder if I could get   
off with an insanity plea if I murder her in my   
sleep? Tee-hee. Still, I'm glad she's sleeping   
tonight. It's been the first night in a little while   
for her, really. None of us have quite been able to   
sleep right since this last battle ended. Me least   
of all.  
Me least of all, and everybody knows it.   
They've been walking on eggshells around me, all of   
them. They don't want to dare ask. Not that a   
person can just go up and say, "So, Lina, how is it   
to be possessed and consumed by the source of all   
chaos in the universe? Enquiring minds want to   
know!" But the way they look at me, it's like   
they're still scared. Scared because they watched   
my body attempt to destroy the world? Scared because   
they're not sure if she'll come back, or how I've   
been changed by it all? Hardly matters. It's like   
I can't even look at any of them any more.  
Except one.  
I lean back into the strong arms that   
suddenly circle my shoulders. He smells clean, like   
the forest, and the wind blows blond hairs into my   
face. This has to be perfect comfort... I giggle   
softly. He strokes my hair. "Again?" he mumbles,   
kissing the back of my head softly.  
"Sorry," I say. "Lots to think about."  
"I know," he answers. "I leave the thinking   
part to you."  
"And a good thing, too." I mutter.  
"Ouch." He winces dramatically.   
I stick out my tongue at him. "I wouldn't   
say it if it weren't true, ya know."  
"I know, I know." He gives one of his guilty   
grins. "That's what I figure, you can be smart   
enough for the both of us."  
I turn to him. The smell of the air is   
heady, and I feel a little more girlish than usual.   
I reach out and run a hand through his hair. "You're   
not so bad," I say pensively. "Sometimes, you   
understand things I don't."  
"Huh?"  
"Ne-ver-minnnnd." I tug his hair sharply,   
making him yelp. His helplessness is really kind of   
funny. Almost cute... it makes me soften again,   
gives me the patience to explain to him. "What I   
mean is, sometimes things get so complicated, and I   
get all frustrated with it. But you only see what   
you see, nothing else. You don't know how to   
compromise what you think or feel. So the real   
important stuff never gets left out. You know?"  
He's still working on the second sentence.   
"But how can I see what I don't see? I'm   
confused..."   
I give him a whack on the head and tell   
him to forget about it. "For Pete's sake. You're   
so dumb, you don't even know when you're being  
smart." My tone's annoyed, but I can't stop smiling.  
"Well..." He grins. "I suppose I'll leave   
that part to you too."  
"It's a good deal," I say, leaning in to his   
embrace. He's so warm. "You just keep being strong   
enough for the both of us, and I'll take care of the   
thinking part."  
"Somehow I don't think that's fair," he   
muses. "You're strong too. You're probably stronger   
than me, what with your spells and all."  
I giggle. "I'm not so strong that you don't   
think I need a protector."  
"Hey, look," he says in a hurt voice. "I   
thought we already decided that's just for in front   
of the others."  
"True, true." Somehow I've wrapped my arms   
around him, and we're holding each other tight. A   
wave of how good it feels to be this near him washes   
over me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the last   
dying embers of the fire catch the wind. I feel   
warmer than I ever have.  
"I mean, if they ever found out we do   
remember what happened up there, they'd really get on   
our case," he continues.  
"Don't remind me," I say flatly.  
This is why I can still talk to him, when   
it's so hard to face everyone else. Gourry is the   
only one who knows what really happened at that   
time. Everyone else saw me disappear, saw the ground   
tear up beneath a ball of darkness that threatened to   
swell and explode, consuming the whole earth. And   
though they were saved, they don't know how.  
But for him and for me, that time was not a   
near-death experience of torture and destruction.   
Though horrors surrounded it, the moment he flew up   
to find me was the happiest in my life. I felt a   
wave of pure emotion drawing me back from oblivion,   
tying me to this world. And I heard her whisper   
that she had chosen me over herself. Then my vision   
returned, and I awoke to the most welcome sight in   
the world.  
For Gourry and for me, that time of   
destruction and rebirth is no more than a backdrop.   
The true significance of it all is that on that day,   
we knew we were in love.  
  
Time will heal the scars on the minds of my   
friends, and soon we'll be traveling again like   
nothing has changed. I look forward to that. But   
something will have changed. I have gained a lover,   
the most important person in the world to me. And   
now I know for sure he will always be by my side.  
Oblivion can yield eternity. I was granted a   
forever by a being of ultimate chaos. That's how I   
know this will last. She never would have given up   
for anything less than that. A security and   
confidence I've never known before has made its way   
into my life. There is nothing I'm scared of now.  
  
--  
  
I don't see many serious Slayers 'fics that actually  
take a look into the characters' minds and deal with   
the impact of various events in the series. But IMHO   
the characters in Slayers are ten times deeper than   
the Ranma characters, and everyone writes such hugely   
intellectual fics about them.  
  
And I just couldn't believe they were gonna let that   
nice mushy bit of "fan service" (so to speak) in the   
final episode of Next get lost as a forgotten moment.  
Bad enough they cut right away from it. C'mon, now!!  
  
And in case you've forgotten, remember: Xellos is God.  
Just don't tell him, or he won't be able to hang out   
with himself.  
  
'Til then... 


End file.
